simple
May 26th, 2002, 04:40 AM
I think you guys will like this one
>
>
> > >
> > > NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the
> > > first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those
of
> > you
> > > who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually
> > > have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes
> up
> > a
> > > major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely
want
> to
> > > read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be
> > > howling out loud.
> > >
> > > INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
> > > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
> > Texas
> > > from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge
> at
> > a
> > > chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> and
> > I
> > > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to
> > the
> > > beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
> > > (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
> > > that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the
> > > tasting, So I accepted."
> > > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> > > _____________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> > > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > > FRANK: Holy ----, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> > paint
> > > from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
> that's
> > > the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> > > ________________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> > > JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> > > FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
> > > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
> to
> > > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
> saw
> > > the look on my face.
> > > ________________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> > > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> > > JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I
> > have
> > > been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer
> > > before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
> > > is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ---- faced from all the
> > beer.
> > > _______________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> > > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side! dish for fish
or
> > > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste
> > > it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
> standing
> > > behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting
> > > to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
> > > aphrodisiac?
> > > _______________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> > > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> > > considerable kick. Very Impressive.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
> > the
> > > cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
> no
> > > longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics.
> > > The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given
> me
> > > brain damage, Sally! saved my tongue from bleeding
> > > by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
> my
> > > lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop
> > > screaming. Screw those rednecks!
> > > ________________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> > > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
> > and
> > > peppers.
> > > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
> > > Superb.
> > > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric
> > > flames. I ---- myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through
> > the
> > > chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally,
> > she
> > > must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> wipe
> > > my ass with a snow cone!
> > > ______________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
> > > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili
> > > peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
> > Judge
> > > Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> > > uncontrollably.
> > > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
> > > feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
> > it
> > > is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> > > unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava- like ---- to
match
> > my
> > > damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
> I've
> > > decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> > > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
> the
> > 4
> > > inch hole in my stomach.
> > > ________________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 8
> > > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
> not
> > > too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
> > > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or
> > hot.
> > > Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
> fell
> > > over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
> > > sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted
> to
> > a
> > > really hot chili?
Simple.
>
>
> > >
> > > NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the
> > > first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those
of
> > you
> > > who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually
> > > have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes
> up
> > a
> > > major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely
want
> to
> > > read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be
> > > howling out loud.
> > >
> > > INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
> > > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
> > Texas
> > > from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge
> at
> > a
> > > chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> and
> > I
> > > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to
> > the
> > > beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
> > > (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
> > > that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the
> > > tasting, So I accepted."
> > > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> > > _____________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
> > > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > > FRANK: Holy ----, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> > paint
> > > from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
> that's
> > > the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> > > ________________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> > > JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> > > FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
> > > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
> to
> > > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
> saw
> > > the look on my face.
> > > ________________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> > > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> > > JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I
> > have
> > > been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer
> > > before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
> > > is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ---- faced from all the
> > beer.
> > > _______________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> > > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side! dish for fish
or
> > > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste
> > > it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
> standing
> > > behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting
> > > to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
> > > aphrodisiac?
> > > _______________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> > > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> > > considerable kick. Very Impressive.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
> > the
> > > cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
> no
> > > longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics.
> > > The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given
> me
> > > brain damage, Sally! saved my tongue from bleeding
> > > by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
> my
> > > lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop
> > > screaming. Screw those rednecks!
> > > ________________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> > > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
> > and
> > > peppers.
> > > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
> > > Superb.
> > > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric
> > > flames. I ---- myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through
> > the
> > > chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally,
> > she
> > > must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> wipe
> > > my ass with a snow cone!
> > > ______________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
> > > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili
> > > peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
> > Judge
> > > Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> > > uncontrollably.
> > > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
> > > feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
> > it
> > > is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> > > unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava- like ---- to
match
> > my
> > > damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
> I've
> > > decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> > > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
> the
> > 4
> > > inch hole in my stomach.
> > > ________________________________________________________
> > > CHILI # 8
> > > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
> not
> > > too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
> > > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or
> > hot.
> > > Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
> fell
> > > over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
> > > sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted
> to
> > a
> > > really hot chili?
Simple.