Air Traffic Control Transcript

[technobill]

AIR TRAFFIC OUT-OF-CONTROL
A True Story - Unconfirmed but funny!

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller
(a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you
going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on
'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between
C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,
"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay
right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I Tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown
male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[tweeter]

At a joint-use airport, the military ramp was on the north side of the runway and the civilian/commercial ramp was on the south side.

A C-5 transport, one of the Air Force's largest aircraft, was holding in the number one position waiting to take the runway from the north side. A United commercial flight was holding in the number one position from the south side, both aircraft waiting for takeoff clearance.

The tower lost track of the flow and came on frequency and asked "Who's next for takeoff on runway 36?" The United flight, in a much smaller aircraft than the huge C-5, responded, "Tower, United 123 is a little early, so you can let the Little Guy go first". The C-5 pilot immediately came back with "Little Guy?? Just how much do you gross United? (Meaning what's your maximum gross weight for takeoff)"

Airline pilots, being a slightly different breed, immediately thought of gross income instead of gross weight. The United Captain responded "I gross about $200,000 a year, how about you?"

The C-5 aircraft took off without further comment!