#1 Leafs Fan
September 18th, 2001, 06:00 AM
WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat.? Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it. She moved in with me
7. You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?
SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder: What the f*** was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father is?"
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat.? Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it. She moved in with me
7. You totaled your car. And can't remember why.
Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?
SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder: What the f*** was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father is?"